Best Funny Quotes to Inspire, Uplift & Motivate You Every Day

“I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships.”

“Attending a funeral would leave the average person insane, if they truly believed that sooner or later they are also going to die.”

“You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.”

“For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)”

“Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.”

“Life is a process during which one initially gets less and less dependent, independent, and then more and more dependent.”

“A premature death does not only rob one of the countless instances where one would have experienced pleasure, it also saves one from the innumerable instances where one would have experienced pain.”

“I had no idea how to respond, and opted for a smile, which serves me well on most occasions (not if it's something to do with death or illness, though -- I know that now.)”

“Nothing is impossible to kill. It's just that sometimes after you kill something you have to keep shooting it until it stops moving”

“Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it.”

“In life, more than in anything else, it isn’t easy to end up alive.”

“Given a choice between goose egg and heartache, I would choose heartache.”

“Life is too fleet for onomatopoeia.”

“Crystal ball and candle light, I want your dance tonight. Show me the power of love as we stand together in the middle of the night.”

“Oh! That was poetry!" said Pippin. "Do you really mean to start before the break of day?”

“Otter! Otter! Otter!”

“I’m not aspiring to be someone else – If I’m me for the rest of my life then so be it”

“sometimes when everything seems at”

“vers libre," (free verse) or nine-tenths of it, is not a new metre any more than sleeping in a ditch is a new school of architecture.”

“girls”

“HIGGINS [*snatching a chocolate cream from the piano, his eyes suddenly beginning to twinkle with mischief*] Have some chocolates, Eliza.”

“You don’t understand,’ I said. ‘I need to be with her. With every fibre of my being I ache for her. I’m in love.’”

“Dammit. I think I’m in like with the naked man I met today.”

“I’m a firm believer in equality at all times—”

“Her mouth set. "I've already lost one man I loved tonight. I will not lose the other." She glared at him. "And curse you, you stone head, for making me say it first.”

“What are you doing here?”

“You said she's a senior? Babe we're ALL crazy.”

“Gay Sex Three, Straight Sex Nil”

“Your big scary husband is crying.”

“What the dev— er, deuce did you do that for? It hurt!”