Best Humor Quotes to Inspire, Uplift & Motivate You Every Day

“This showed once again that everyone had something different to lose in this battle. Some were concerned for their lives, and some for those they cared most about: rays, sea horses, even the chickens that ran free in the streets of the city because they couldn't all be caught in time.”

“So, sweeting, why were you threatening to throw Tate out of the house? What did he say?”

“The over-weight and out of shape guy who owned the house had apparently decided that having a half-million dollar house meant that he couldn’t afford to hire someone to clean out his gutters. Now he was dead with what looked to me like a broken neck after the ladder had slipped. He’d taken the plunge into his fancy landscaping—complete with rock garden. But hey, his fucking gutters were clean.”

“Death will be a great relief. No more interviews.”

“When my mother passed away several years ago—well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn’t ‘pass away.’ She died. Something about that verb, ‘to pass away’ always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through the wallpaper. No, my mother did not pass away. She definitely died.”

“Die, die we all pass away,”

“YOU'RE ONLY PUTTING OFF THE INEVITABLE, he said.”

“That's it then. This is how it ends. I haven't even read Proust.”

“Immortality like this is about as useful as sunscreen on a submarine.”

“Knackered inmates are easier to control than pumped-up ones. And dead inmates are even easier to control, if you follow me.”

“He thought he saw some horses, too, and a clown, but it was the faces of all those dead raptors that really bothered him. And maybe that clown a little bit.”

“What can I say? I prefer to die well informed.”

“I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships.”

“If you can kill it, or it can kill you, it's real.”

“Attending a funeral would leave the average person insane, if they truly believed that sooner or later they are also going to die.”

“It would be especially comforting to believe that I have the answer to the question, What happens when we die? Does the light just go out and that’s that—the million-year nap? Or will some part of my personality, my me-ness, persist? What will that feel like? What will I do all day? Is there a place to plug in my laptop?”

“I wonder why the dead can't talk, look at all the crimes we'd solve if the damn dead would just Ouija board us our answers, or tell all those weird psychic people who killed 'em.”

“It is clear that men accept an immediate pain rather than an immediate pleasure, but only because they expect a greater pleasure in the future. Often the pleasure is illusory, but their error in calculation is no refutation of the rule. You are puzzled because you cannot get over the idea that pleasures are only of the sense; but, child, a man who dies for his country dies because he likes it as surely as a man eats pickled cabbage because he likes it.”

“Just being alive should make you late for everything. In case you've never noticed, the dead are always on time.”

“The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.”

“You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.”

“I'm going to get 'I'M NOT FUCKING DEAD' tattooed on my chest.”

“I'm Allen Walker!”

“I want to commit suicide but am afraid someone will think I am crazy.”

“For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. (on Margaret Thatcher)”

“(Parody that is often falsely believed to be a true quote of Mariah Carey's) Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

“My sister, Judy, has always said that she would like to lie in state, propped up in her coffin with her eyes blared wide open, face fixed in a big grin, and have a taped greeting for all her mourners. Something real upbeat and, well, live-sounding, like: 'He-e-e-ey!Cuteshoestellyomamahi!”

“That's how I want to go. Taking my own way out and totally pissing everybody off at the end.”

“Well, I always did want to go out in a Braveheart kind of way. I'll just have to think of something cool to yell before they cut my head off.”

“I'd heard that if you saw a Reaper, you saw what you expected to see, what you thought the agents of Death would look like. Personally, I wanted to see little, fuzzy pink bunnies, but apparently my subconscious visualized tall, scary, and skeletal. My subconscious and I needed to have a long talk.”