“Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to...” — Mitch Hedberg Quote

“Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.”

“I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.”

“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”

“When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.”

“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”

“Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.”

“What I am looking for is not out there, it is in me.”

“We are all worms. But I believe that I am a glow-worm.”

“I don't know what I am if I'm not a woman.”

“The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.”

“I am just a human being trying to make it in a world that is rapidly losing its understanding of being human.”

“If anything is certain, it is that I myself am not a Marxist.”