“When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have a...” — Steven Wright Quote

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

The one thing I get asked about weekly when people see me who have never met me before is about the damn brawl and I'm tired of talking about it.

People have asked me a lot of times, because I didn't hit a lot, how long a dozen bats would last me. Depending on the weight and model I was using at that time - I would say eight to 10 cookouts.

OFSTED has made large cuts in the paperwork which schools are asked to provide and further steps to reduce the bureaucratic burden will be introduced in September.

If you grew up, and you never had a computer, and you've never used the Internet, and someone asked you if you wanted to buy a data plan, your response would be 'What's a data plan, and why would I want to use this?'