“A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It'...” — Tommy Cooper Quote

“A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'”

“Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that if we didn't have electricity, we'd be watching television by candle light?”

“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”

“Now, with social media, it's a whole different world, which is good and bad. Back when I was in college, when there was no Twitter, no one knew what Vera Wang looked like - there was no face to the brand.”

“I got no business going to a club. I'm a terrible dancer. I got a bad back.”

“I go into every fight with a bad back and overweight and a damn-near diabetic.”