“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't...” — Mitch Hedberg Quote

“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?”

“Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'”

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'”

“It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.”

“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.”

“It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?”

“There were a lot of new opportunities after I won the belt. People look at you more when you're the champion, UFC looks at you differently, you can negotiate bigger purses.”

“I'm a black belt and have been since 2000.”

“I always want to fight for the belt. I don't really care.”

“I'm not going to fight unless it's for a belt. Nothing else matters but the belt.”

“My job is interviewing celebrities; where better to find them than on a red carpet, you know? There's just an influx of them - it's literally a conveyor belt of celebrities. So, for me, that's my dream. I mean, like, wow, I couldn't think of a better place to stand for four hours in heels!”

“I do think I retired too soon. I just felt at that particular time in 2002, after winning a fifth world title belt, why not be one of the smart ones in boxing and get out.”