“I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I nee...” — Tim Vine Quote

“I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.”

“People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.”

“If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.”

“Add a teaspoon of single cream, say, to a sauce just before serving to give it a touch of extra smoothness and depth. You also need single cream to float on top of Irish coffee. And you should probably use the finest unpasteurised double cream to make syllabub.”

“I didn't understand the culture and what Starbucks was really about. It wasn't a coffee shop. It was really a way of life... we suffer from thinking that since we have it in New York, or it won't work in New York, that it won't work some other place. That's a discipline we keep trying to improve.”