“I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day...” — Steven Wright Quote

“I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.”

“What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

“At 91, every day is a birthday.”

“I don't really drink, but the one thing I really hanker after is Zubrowka vodka. If it's someone's birthday, I'll pretend I like red wine for about three sips.”

“Interventions are really emotionally exhausting and I would never ever want to have one. In the same way, I would never want to have a surprise birthday party. That would be horrible.”