“I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't ...” — Elayne Boosler Quote

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

Designers don't put out the same sweater every year. They just keep creating.

Calgary wins for my coldest New Year's Eve gig. That's when I learned Fahrenheit and Celsius cross at 40 below. I could see callers' breath coming out of my phone.

My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Coach Blatt is very, very knowledgeable about the game. And it just goes to show you that no matter where you're at, he knows as much about basketball as anyone. You learn a lot from him. And he's a very charming guy, very personable. He's pretty funny, too.

Naked dudes are inherently funny.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.