“I saw a stationery store move.” — Jay London Quote

I saw a stationery store move.

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

It's funny; before I started writing professionally, I had a job logging video footage for behind-the-scenes footage for special features.

I've done so many funny jobs. I worked at a farmer's market through high school. I worked in the stock room of Ralph Lauren. I graduated to salesperson at Ralph Lauren, which was a big deal to me. I've been a P.A. I've been a stand-in. I've been an assistant's assistant.

You find out in life that people really like you funny. So what do you give 'em? Humor. And then if you show them the other side, they don't like you as much. I find, too, that I can hide behind the idiot's mask being funny, and you never see the sorrow or the pain.

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.