“Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he jus...” — Steven Wright Quote

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?

To be given the chance to play for United is a dream, and I'm always willing to go when asked.

No one asked me to be an actor, so no one owed me. There was no entitlement.

You look at the whole Human Rights questions, I happened to be there at just the right time when the country was awakening - this goes to the first question you asked - the whole country was awakening to a hundred years of injustice that hadn't been resolved yet.

Every time I have visited the U.S., I have been asked to let loose my hair and remove the hair pins. Each time, I have put up a defiant face.