“I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Iv...” — Zach Galifianakis Quote

“I wish I could sit back and say, 'Oh, I'm gonna wait for a Merchant-Ivory film to come my way. Or Ivory-Merchant. Whatever it's called. But you just take what's given and then, hopefully, down the road you can be more choosy and only do, say, Wayans brothers movies. That's my goal: to be more Merchant-Ivory-Wayans.”

“I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.”

“I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.”

“At the end of the day, we're all brothers and sisters in God. What people do is none of my business.”

“When you have brothers, you learn to be fiercely competitive with someone you love so they won't kill you and you won't kill them.”

“I got on a Dostoyevsky kick right after college. I started with 'Crime and Punishment,' went on to 'The Possessed' and then 'The Brothers Karamazov' and 'The Idiot.'”