“I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, the...” — Mitch Hedberg Quote

“I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.”

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”

“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”

“I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.”

“I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.”

“I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.”

“I personally would rather raise my child in New York. It seems like it would be easier to make sure she or he gets a whole bunch of experience and understanding of the world. But, people in general think it's easier to raise a kid when you don't have so much stuff in your face.”

“I had a bunch of paintings around at my house, and someone said to me, 'Why don't you just put them on Instagram? Why don't you show people these?' And I didn't want to - it was just something else I would have to do. But eventually, I was like, 'What's the harm?' And the response was so insane!”

“I'm looking for a bunch of new tchotchkes that represent the new part of my life.”

“A zombie film is not fun without a bunch of stupid people running around and observing how they fail to handle the situation.”

“During my college days, me and a bunch of close friends had formed a small band. We would perform during the college fest and other cultural functions and it used to be so much fun.”