“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and ...” — Mitch Hedberg Quote

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

We didn't rehearse or play the songs to death before we recorded them, and that let us catch a freshness and energy level we've never really felt while making records.

You've got to catch the ball. It's football. So you've got to do what you've got to do when the ball's punted to you.

There were some that said if you hung in long enough, the world would catch on, and they have.

As a comedian, you're making so many observations, so many measurements. You might catch someone's eyes as you're telling a joke, and they can have this sort of glazed expression on their face, and that can set all your dials off.

I don't like it when people don't look me dead in the eye. I move my head around trying to catch their eye.