“I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things...” — Joan Rivers Quote

I had a friend who was a plastic surgeon, so he would do little things. I never had, like, a full thing. So I would go in maybe once every two or three years, and he'd do a little here, a little there; tweak you, like you tweak your car. Then I became the plastic surgery poster girl.

I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

By far my most perilous assignment was covering a tank car explosion.

I'm experiencing a lot of new things in life - cars, houses, jewelry - and getting the family situated. I've been dealing with fake friends, though, like a lot of people trying to come around. There are pros and cons to this fame thing.

I urge you children to be patient with your parents. If they seem to be out of touch on such vital issues as dating, clothing styles, modern music, and use of family cars, listen to them anyway. They have the experience that you lack.

Book tours are really kind of fun. You get to stay in nice hotels, you are driven everywhere in big silver cars, you are treated as if you are much more important than you are, you can eat steak three times a day at someone else's expense, and you get to talk endlessly about yourself for weeks at a stretch.