“I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I wa...” — Phyllis Diller Quote

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

“My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.”

“You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.”

“It's hard to go back and be constantly funny.”

“Cheryl Cole and Katy Perry are two of the hottest girls in the world - and so normal and funny with it. If I was a few years older they are the kind of girls I'd like to date. I want a younger version of Cheryl and Katy - a mixture of the two would be hot.”

“If something becomes mean-spirited and hurtful, it's not funny.”