“The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.” — Rodney Dangerfield Quote

“The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”

“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”

“Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you're the funniest person you've ever heard of.”

“I think I was always a pretty funny kid, making my family, friends, and classmates laugh. But I never realized it was an actual 'skill' until I was about 14.”

“I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.”