Humor Quote by Dave Barry — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.”

“What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.”

“If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.”

“As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.”

“It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.”

“Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.”

“But you can't stay with people because of guilt. Or because they can drive a speedboat.”

“The only difference between”

“Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.”

“This was supposed to be yesterday. I was sitting on the Cardiff/London train, supposedly about to write this very column, and realising something quite terrible. My head was entirely empty. A vast echoing void. Bigger on the inside, but with nothing in it. You could drop a pebble in my brain and wait for an hour to hear it land. No actually, you couldn't - that would be aggressive and unhelpful, so keep your damn pebbles to yourself.”

“I was conceived because it would be good for my House to have an heir and because my parents' genes ticked the right set of boxes. You were probably conceived because your parents loved each other.”

“You won't even take your bow? Are you planning to throttle a moose with your bare hands, then?”