“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night...” — Mitch Hedberg Quote

“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.”

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”

“All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.”

“Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.”

“My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”

“People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”

“We were created to purposefully live a life that glorifies God”

“Everybody is responsible for their own actions. It's easy to point the finger at somebody else, but a real man, a real woman, a real person knows when it's time to take the blame and when to take responsibility for their own actions.”

“Regarde la vie en face, car elle n’hésitera pas à te traverser.”

“Everyday is one less day.”

“Always account for each unit of passing time”

“I am soaring, boundless, and free, and I know living my dreams is never a question of time but one of purpose”