“In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette whee...” — Steven Wright Quote

“In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.”

“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”

“I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'”

“Yes, Democrats can prove that America pays more for health care than other countries; yes, they have won the dispute that private health insurance is needlessly expensive. But what they've lost is the argument that we are a society.”

“Every status update you read on Facebook, every tweet or text message you get from a friend, is competing for resources in your brain with important things like whether to put your savings in stocks or bonds, where you left your passport, or how best to reconcile with a close friend you just had an argument with.”