“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish...” — Demetri Martin Quote

“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'”

“I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A's.”

“The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.”

“Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.”

“How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.”

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”