Humor Quote by George Carlin — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”

“So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”

“I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.”

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why?”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

“It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.”

“When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.”

“Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.”

“It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily.”

“To paraphrase Oedipus, Hamlet, Lear, and all those guys, "I wish I had known this some time ago.”

“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.”

“It is proved by surveys that happiness does not come from love, wealth, or power but the pursuit of attainable goals.”