Humor Quote by David Sedaris — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.”

“When forced to leave my house for an extended period of time, I take my typewriter with me, and together we endure the wretchedness of passing through the X-ray scanner. The laptops roll merrily down the belt, while I’m instructed to stand aside and open my bag. To me it seems like a normal enough thing to be carrying, but the typewriter’s declining popularity arouses suspicion and I wind up eliciting the sort of reaction one might expect when traveling with a cannon.”

“Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!”

“Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?”

“Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to engage in physical combat. Once, he hit me on the back of the head with a broken wineglass, and I fell to the floor pretending to be unconscious. That was romantic, or would have been had he rushed to my side rather than stepping over my body to fetch the dustpan.”

“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason”

“Arthur blinked at the screens and felt he was missing something important. Suddenly he realized what it was.”

“The secret to humor is surprise.”

“Mysteries force a man to think, and so injure his health.”

“He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but certainly no more.”

“In the name of the Pizza Lord. Charge!”