Humor Quote by Woody Allen — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.”

“Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

“God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.”

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

“I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.”

“How do you tell the psychiatrists from the patients in the hospital?”

“It doesn't matter how fat I get, my online avatars are unchanging.”

“Then I guess I'll just have to try biting again”

“As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.”

“I hate girls that giggle all the time...”

“It's okay," I said soothingly. "You're just getting your stride back. Once you're up to full power, I'll go crack a rib or something so we can test it.”