Humor Quote by Ellen DeGeneres — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.”

“Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you're gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I've gotta stop I've gotta come to my senses, I've been out riding fences for so long... oops I did it again... um... What I'm trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don't remember anything else that I've said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don't put it off.”

“You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.”

“What’s not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they’re actually startled when the phone rings. It’s like we suddenly all have Batphones. If it rings, there must be danger.”

“Did you get notes for me?”

“I love having existential crises at bedtime, it's so restful.”

“Are there weapons in a bookstore?'”

“Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?”

“When did you become a woman?"-Hatori”

“... for most practical purposes, Tarbean had two parts: Waterside and Hillside. Waterside is where people are poor. That makes them beggars, thieves and whores. Hillside is where people are rich. That makes them solicitors, politicians and courtesans.”