Humor Quote by Chelsea Handler — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.”

“My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”

“Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.”

“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”

“Shuck it,” Minho responded. “I’m tougher than nails. I could still kick your pony-lovin’ butt with twice this pain.”

“But Grover’s voice was already growing fainter. ‘Sweet dreams. Don’t let me die!”

“How do you deal with it?" Kami asked Jared. "The laughing at nothing and occasionally stopping dead in your tracks.”

“The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.”

“Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.”

“His arms went round my waist. He had a big grin, full of teeth like stars. "You saying you're the jealous sort,Scar?”