Humor Quote by Chelsea Handler — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.”

“Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.”

“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”

“My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”

“My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”

“What a strange family you are! Is your name Lettie too?”

“NO PDA,school rules. And besides she's my partner dickhead." said Alex.”

“Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.'”

“Aim high. You may still miss the target, but at least you won't shoot your foot off.”

“It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon.”

“When I was poor and complained about inequality they said I was bitter; now that I'm rich and I complain about inequality they say I'm a hypocrite. I'm beginning to think they just don't want to talk about inequality.”