Humor Quote by Chelsea Handler — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.”

“Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.”

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”

“My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.”

“There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.”

“I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.”

“I’d have been dead a long time ago if not for my friends, one of whom had just jumped off the cliff after me.”

“Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?”

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”

“Bishop was all done with the witty conversation. 'Will you swear?'”

“Walking around nude in front of humans was not a good way to keep a low profile with the community. It was an excellent way to make new friends, though.”