Best Humorous Quotes to Inspire, Uplift & Motivate You Every Day

“Attending a funeral would leave the average person insane, if they truly believed that sooner or later they are also going to die.”

“You need to be greedy or ignorant to truly want to live forever.”

“Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.”

“Life is a process during which one initially gets less and less dependent, independent, and then more and more dependent.”

“A premature death does not only rob one of the countless instances where one would have experienced pleasure, it also saves one from the innumerable instances where one would have experienced pain.”

“She's realized the real problem with stories -- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death.”

“I'm going to do something bigger and better,”

“The workings of the male mind are twisted indeed." Winnifred Crane”

“You ever had a hickey? I want to give you a hickey.”

“It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people.”

“She shook her head as she confessed, "I want it so much, I'm afraid to hope.”

“Just tell him to keep his hands to himself and his python in his pants.”

“I'm infatuated with you, I cannot deny it. Physically speaking, you're a very attractive man. But I don't like you, the vast majority of the time. So far as I can gather, you behave abominably in public and are only marginally better in private. I only find you remotely tolerable when you're kissing me.”

“Be generous with your smile and try not to frown.”

“Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.”

“Charity," he said. "She's gone.”

“Some people avoid thinking deeply in public, only because they are afraid of coming across as suicidal.”

“Life is too short to be anything but happy. So kiss slowly. Love deeply. Forgive quickly. Take chances and never have regrets. Forget the past but remember what it taught you.”

“The better organized the state, the duller its humanity.”

“Plans are invitation to disappointment.”

“I can't forget things, or ignore them-bad things that happen," I said. "I'm a lay-it-all-out person, a dwell-on-it person, an obsess-about-it person. If I hold things in and try to forget or pretend, I become a madman and have panic attacks. I have to talk.”

“Otis," I said.”

“Oh yes? Can you identify yourself?”

“People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.”

“Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.”

“I swear, talking to you is like talking to a really good-looking and mildly stupid brick wall.”

“I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.”

“Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.”

“Of course I’m sure! Jesus Christ, I’m goddamn God for fuck’s sake! Now quit sniveling and jump through that goddamn glass wall forthwith or I’ll leave you with the killer clones, revoking your Chosen One status and whatnot.”

“It doesn't matter how fat I get, my online avatars are unchanging.”