Humor Quote by Ellen DeGeneres — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.”

“Procrastination is not the problem. It is the solution. It is the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast. Listen to the music. Whoa whoa, listen to the music. Because music makes the people come together, it makes the bourgeois and the rebel. So come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody try to love one another. Because what the world needs now is love, sweet love. And I know that love is a battlefield, but boogie on reggae woman because you're gonna make it after all. So celebrate good times, come on. I've gotta stop I've gotta come to my senses, I've been out riding fences for so long... oops I did it again... um... What I'm trying to say is, if you leave tonight and you don't remember anything else that I've said, leave here and remember this: Procrastinate now, don't put it off.”

“You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.”

“One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.”

“Procrastinate now, don't put it off.”

“If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.”

“When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.”

“Babe," Ranger said. "You're looking a little strung out. Is there anything I should know?”

“A fire broke out backstage in a theatre. The clown came out to warn the public; they thought it was a joke and applauded. He repeated it; the acclaim was even greater. I think that's just how the world will come to an end: to general applause from wits who believe it's a joke.”

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.”

“You should be home sleeping. What is the use of having a man in the house, if he cannot take care of you for a while?”