Humor Quote by Ellen DeGeneres — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.”

“Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair.”

“You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.”

“Things will get easier, people's minds will change, and you should be alive to see it.”

“I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.”

“Now,I'm no scientist,but I know what endorphins are. They're tiny little magical elves that swim through your blood stream and tell funny jokes to each other. When they reach your brain,you hear what they're saying and that boosts your health and happiness. "Knock Knock... Who's There?.. Little endorphin... Little endorphin who?... Little Endorphin Annie." And then the endorphins laugh and then you laugh. See? Its Science.”

“The cow-shaped cookies have a beef flavoring, the turkey-shaped cookies have a poultry flavoring, and...”

“There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that.”

“Inconceivable!”

“I used to think Romeo and Juliet was the greatest love story ever written. But now that I’m middle-aged, I know better. Oh, Romeo certainly thinks he loves his Juliet. Driven by hormones, he unquestionably lusts for her. But if he loves her, it’s a shallow love. You want proof?” Cagney didn’t wait for Dr. Victor to say yay or nay.”

“Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?”

“I've had great success being a total idiot.”