Humor Quote by Mark Twain — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“Yes - en I's rich now, come to look at it. I owns myself, en I's wuth eight hund'd dollars. I wisht I had de money, I wouldn' want no mo'.”

“The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.”

“Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.”

“A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”

“I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.”

“Human nature is all alike.”

“Since I don't smoke, I decided to grow a mustache - it is better for the health.”

“I was never really certain why he scared the bejesus out of me. Nothing scared me growing up. I’ve been playing with dead people since the day I was born, so it’s good thing, yet the Big Bad scared me. Which brings me to the reason I called.”

“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”

“I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.”

“Of course ." A wicked gleam entered his eyes. "But I only turn girls into salamanders on Tuesdays. Luckily for you, it´s a Wednesday, which is the day I drink a goblet of orphan´s blood for supper.”

“Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it.”