Humor Quote by Woody Allen — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.”

“I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”

“If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.”

“All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.”

“Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.”

“Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place.”

“I know the Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider can't fly because if it could, it would have a different name entirely. We would call it "sir" because it would be the dominant species on the planet. None of us would leave the house unless a Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider said it was okay”

“Hunters will tell you that a moose is a wily and ferocious forest creature. Nonsense. A moose is a cow drawn by a three-year-old.”

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”