Humor Quote by Stephen Colbert — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.”

“I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.”

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.”

“Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.”

“A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?”

“Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.”

“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”

“If you're anorexic, you're doing it wrong.”

“Hazel!” he yelled. “That box! Open it!”

“Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.”

“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

“It was nice to hear the voices of little children at play, provided you took care to be far enough away not to hear what they were actually saying.”