Humor Quote by Dave Barry — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.”

“What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.”

“I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.”

“Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.”

“Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.”

“When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.”

“You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.”

“The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be.”

“The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to.”

“I hate patience. Slows everything down.”

“How can such scary looking parents create something so cute?”

“Sometimes, I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How”