Humor Quote by Steven Wright — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.”

“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“Z: "You know, this was a hell of a lot easier when you were out cold in the back of that truck.”

“I'm looking into my past lives. I'm convinced some of them still owe me money.”

“I had a dream about you. We installed Dr. Robert Jarvik’s artificial heart in a mannequin and brought it to life, only to later kill it because a creature that’s all fake heart and no brain is what’s commonly called a “politician,” and must be destroyed.”

“What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer.”

“A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?”

“Peter to Austin:”