Humor Quote by Steven Wright — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”

“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.”

“Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder”

“If you want some advice—which I'm sure you don't—you guys should lay off on the magic. Christian still thinks you're moving in on Lissa.”

“I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.”

“He looks like a runway model. How in the world am I going to be able to reject that? The world is so unfair. Seriously, it's like turning Brad Pitt down for a date. The girl who could actually do it should win an award for idiot of the century.”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”