Humor Quote by Dave Barry — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.”

“I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.”

“It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.”

“The problem with winter sports is that -- follow me closely here -- they generally take place in winter.”

“If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.”

“I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself.”

“Linh Cinder. Such a pleasure. My master has spoken so highly of you.”

“A crossbow?” Pigeon asked.”

“Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.”

“No, I do my torturing in the dungeon like any other respectable castle owner,”

“There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read—unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over.”

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”