Humor Quote by Steven Wright — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.”

“You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.”

“If I was made of cake I'd eat myself before somebody else could.”

“And try to remember what we discussed, Susannah. A mediator is someone who helps others resolve conflicts. Not someone who, er, kicks them in the face.”

“While browsing in a second-hand bookshop one day, George Bernard Shaw was amused to find a copy of one of his own works which he himself had inscribed for a friend: "To ----, with esteem, George Bernard Shaw.”

“It came charging toward me, several hundred pounds of angry-looking monster, and I did the only thing any reasonable wizard could have done.”

“Don't look at me in that tone of voice.”

“Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tyson pounding the Earthborn into the ground like a game of whack-a-mole. Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: "The groin. The Earthborn's groin is sensitive.”