Humor Quote by Steven Wright — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

“No one can be right all the time, but it helps to be right most of the time.”

“Don't bite his face, Eleanor told herself. It's disturbing and needy and never happens in situation comedies or movies that end with big kisses.”

“I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.”

“We're playing Scrabble. It's a nightmare.”

“Is there any point asking what you're going to make me do on Sunday?'”

“No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.”