Humor Quote by Steven Wright — Inspiring Words on Life, Love & Wisdom

“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.”

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

“If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”

“There was a dragon who had a long-standing obsession with a queen's breasts," she said, growing breathless. "The dragon knew the penalty to touch her would mean death, yet he revealed his secret desire to the king's chief doctor. This man promised he could arrange for the dragon to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him one thousand gold coins." She spread her soapy hands over his nipples, then down his arms. "Though he didn't have the money, the dragon readily agreed to the scheme.”

“Fortunately, among werewolf women, the word "bitch" is not offensive. I was having a lot of fun with that.”

“Carved above the lintel were the words SCIENTIA POTESTAS EST. Science points east, I wondered? Science is portentous, yes? Science protests too much. Scientific potatoes rule. Had I stumbled on the lair of dangerous plant geneticists?”

“Are You Ready for New Urban Fragrances?”

“I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.”

“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”