Best Sarcasm Quotes to Inspire, Uplift & Motivate You Every Day

“The over-weight and out of shape guy who owned the house had apparently decided that having a half-million dollar house meant that he couldn’t afford to hire someone to clean out his gutters. Now he was dead with what looked to me like a broken neck after the ladder had slipped. He’d taken the plunge into his fancy landscaping—complete with rock garden. But hey, his fucking gutters were clean.”

“I thought about suicide all the time, but it seemed toomuch effort, swallowing all those pills or jumping off things. If I'd lived out in the country I would have found a quiet stretch of railway track, and lain on it, fallen asleep, so that I would never have known when my last moment came. In London, the minimum tube fare had gone up so much that even to get near the line cost a fortune. Suicide seemed an extravagance I couldn't afford. People never leave you alone, either; I knew that if I'd tried to lie down on the line, any number of commuters would have pulled me off again, so that I didn't delay their train.”

“The sheriff's station was on a town square so picturesque it looked like a studio backlot....I paced around wearing a pair off cutoff denim shorts, a tank top, a tiny jacket, a cowboy hat and cowboy boots...I truly could not have looked any gayer.”

“Was she on some sort of Candid Camera version of This is Your Sucky Love Life?”

“You’re supposed to pinch yourself – not the one you’re dreaming about.”

“I'm capable—”

“Not that I knew who you were until last month. But now that I've got you, I'm not letting you go.”

“You're stubborn- anyone ever tell you that before?”

“I have tried to teach you the wonders of the spiritual world...”

“Max had no patience with the Judeo-Christian concept of a consistent, judicious, grandfatherly deity. Give him fickle universe rampant with mischievous demons and self-indulgent demigods - all the good evidence pointed to such a model.”

“I certainly don’t like the idea of missionaries. In fact, the whole business fills me with fear and alarm. I don’t believe in God, or at least not in the one we’ve invented for ourselves in England to fulfill our peculiarly English needs, and certainly not in the ones they’ve invented in America, who supply their servants with toupees, television stations, and, most important, toll-free telephone numbers. I wish that people who did believe in such things would keep them to themselves and not export them to the developing world.”

“By the way, if you get mad at your Mac laptop and wonder who designed this demonic device, notice the manufacturer's icon on top: an apple with a bite out of it.”

“Why can't these American women stay in their own country? They are always telling us that it is the paradise for women.'”

“Should I pull on a shirt?" he asked with hint of amusement. I WILL NOT BLUSH. "No." He'd be doing the world a favor if he never wore a shirt again, but I wasn't going to tell him that part. "You're fine.”

“Is this the girl?” Kieran’s voice was very different: It sounded like waves sliding up the shore. Like warm water under pale light. It was seductive, with an edge of cold. He looked at Emma as if she were a new kind of flower, one he wasn’t sure he liked. “She’s pretty,” he said. “I didn’t think she’d be pretty. You didn’t mention it.”

“I wanted to wake you straightaway, but I knew I had to wait several hours to ensure you were safely recovered.”

“You could shove it up your ass and pretend you're a corn dog.”

“Who cares even if I didn't?!" Conor shouted back. "They're just stupid berries. Woo-hoo,”

“Amy, Dan, and Nellie were sitting at a table in a conference room, examining reproductions of Franklin documents-some so rare, the librarians told her, the only copies existed in Paris.”

“Then why are you here?” Emma demanded. “Oh, is this one of those missed-connections things? We met the other night, you felt a spark? Sorry, but I don’t date trees.”

“Young people, nowadays, imagine that money is everything.”

“She'd met Colin on a Monday.”

“I'm telling you, you really should stick to mating within your species, whatever that is.'”

“Yeah you can have a word," said Harry savagely. "Good-bye.”

“Listen, Peaches,”

“If money’s the god people worship, I’d rather go worship the devil instead.”

“Cam's wings were so bright they were almost blinding as they pulsed.”

“You did not just say that. I have a feeling we're on the verge of hugging and coming up with cute nicknames for each other.”

“You must have been going very fast.”

“We are Nephilim; we fight our own battles.”